In the management classic ‘Never Split the Difference’ by Chris Voss, the former FBI negotiator argues that to be a top negotiator, above all, you need a deep understanding of human emotions – and the ability to use that knowledge effectively.
In the mind of Chris Voss, a former FBI hostage negotiator, there is no real difference between bank robbers, kidnappers, and terrorists, and a CEO trying to drive down the price of an acquisition. The same techniques are required to be successful in both scenarios.
“No matter how much we dress up our negotiations in mathematical theories, we are always an animal”, he writes. “We are always acting and reacting first and foremost from our deeply held but mostly invisible fears, needs, desires, and perception.”
Negotiation was once viewed as a purely rational exercise, but Voss and his colleagues at the FBI learned that this approach doesn’t work in the world of hostage situations. Since most of the cases they encountered were emotionally charged rather than rooted in logical bargaining, their negotiation skills had to be tailored to the emotional and even irrational nature of human behavior.
In his book, Voss shares 10 techniques for navigating this emotional landscape.
1) Tactical empathy
Tactical empathy is a negotiation strategy that involves consciously and deliberately recognizing the emotions, mindset, and perspective of the other party – not just to connect, but to leverage that understanding to shape outcomes. The goal isn’t to agree with the other person or feel sympathy; rather, it's to acknowledge and validate their feelings and point of view, enabling you to guide the conversation more effectively. Tactical empathy is about uncovering what lies behind your counterpart’s emotions so you can gain influence in the moments that follow.
2) Active listening
A common pitfall for negotiators is focusing too much on crafting their arguments in their heads, which makes it difficult to truly listen. Those who treat negotiation as a battle of arguments often get overwhelmed by the internal noise. But negotiation isn’t a performance or a duel; it’s a process of discovery. The aim is to uncover as much information as possible and then use that insight to guide the negotiation toward a successful outcome.
Voss offers a powerful technique to quiet your internal monologue – and that of your counterpart. The trick? Don’t think. Instead, make your complete and unwavering focus the other person and what they’re saying. In this state of active listening – especially when combined with some of the tactics that follow – you’ll disarm your counterpart. You’ll make them feel safe. And their internal chatter will begin to quiet down.
3) Slow things way down
Don’t rush to be a problem solver, Voss advises. Aim to be a people mover instead. Moving too quickly is one of the most common mistakes negotiators make. When you move too fast, your counterpart feels unheard. This can erode the trust you’re trying to build – trust that is essential for reaching an optimal agreement.
4) Don’t focus on words or deeds, but on being
When planning a negotiation strategy, people often zero in on what to say or do. But it’s how we are – our overall presence, tone, and demeanor – that is both the easiest to adjust and the most immediately effective tool for influence. When we project warmth and openness, conversations naturally become more fluid. Smile at someone on the street, and they’ll instinctively smile back. Understanding that reflex – and applying it deliberately – is fundamental to mastering any negotiation skill.
5) Remember the 7-38-55 percent rule
In two landmark studies on human communication, UCLA psychology professor Albert Mehrabian developed the 7-38-55 rule: only 7 percent of a message is conveyed through words, while 38 percent comes from tone of voice, and 55 percent from body language and facial expression.
Voss emphasizes how critical your voice is – he calls it the most powerful tool in verbal communication. You can intentionally use your voice to trigger emotional shifts in others: from distrust to trust, from anxiety to calm. Most of the time, you should adopt your positive/playful voice. This is the voice of someone who is easygoing, friendly, and relaxed. The key is to smile as you speak – even on the phone. A smile influences your tone, and the other person will subconsciously register that warmth.
6) Use mirroring
Mirroring is a form of subtle imitation – a deeply ingrained human (and animal) behavior used to create comfort and connection. It includes mimicking speech patterns, posture, word choice, pacing, and tone. It’s usually unconscious – a natural sign of rapport and trust. As a negotiation technique, mirroring taps into the core biological principle that we fear difference but are drawn to similarity.
Studies show that waiters who mirror customers by repeating their orders receive 70 percent more in tips than those who simply say “yes” or “thank you.” It’s the closest thing to a Jedi mind trick negotiators can use and it’s remarkably simple.
7) Label emotions
Rather than ignoring emotions – which is highly ineffective – skilled negotiators identify and name them. They recognize their own feelings and those of others, then talk about those emotions in a calm and constructive way. For these negotiators, emotions aren’t obstacles; they’re tools.
Empathy is about recognizing someone’s emotional state and voicing that recognition. Labeling is the act of naming the emotion aloud – a way of showing the other person you see and understand their emotional reality. It’s a shortcut to trust.
Research suggests that the best way to manage negative emotions is to observe them without judgment and then label them. Once labeled, they can be replaced with more constructive, solution-oriented thoughts.
8) Don’t be afraid of “no”
“No” is often the gateway to “yes.” It gives space to reassess, redirect, and clarify, writes Voss. In most cases, a “no” does not mean “I’ve carefully considered all the options and made a logical decision.” Rather, it’s a reflexive effort to maintain the status quo. By allowing your counterpart to say “no”, you actually give them a sense of safety and control (see point 10). Then listen carefully to what that “no” really means – often, it’s simply a sign they’re not ready. Use that insight to find out what’s missing or needed to move forward.
Real agreements take time. A quick “yes” can often be insincere – a placeholder, not a real commitment. What you want is a meaningful “yes” – one that leads to action.
9) Control your own emotions
If you want to influence someone else’s emotions, you must first master your own. Even with the best tactics in hand, emotional self-regulation is essential for successful negotiation. The first rule: bite your tongue. Avoid reactive, emotionally charged outbursts. Pause. Breathe. Let the emotion settle. This gives you the clarity to express yourself with purpose – and keeps you from saying more than you intend.
10) Put your counterpart in control
Everyone – to varying degrees – is driven by two primal needs: to feel safe and to feel in control. The secret to gaining the upper hand in a negotiation is to let the other person believe they’re in control. You can do this through softening phrases like “perhaps”, “maybe”, “I think”, and “it seems”, and by asking what Voss calls calibrated questions:
“How can we solve this problem?”
“How would you like me to proceed?”
“What about this is important to you?”
“How can I help to make this better for us?”
“How am I supposed to do that?”
These kinds of questions make the other person feel empowered, but in reality, you’re steering the conversation. They’ll rarely realize how skillfully they’re being guided by your framing.
So who’s in control during a conversation – the speaker or the listener? The listener, of course. The speaker is revealing information, while the listener is subtly directing the flow. Use your questions to guide your counterpart toward solving your problem. That’s where real influence lies.
Read also: Prof. Dr. Mathieu Luypaert: 10 essential facts every young M&A professional should know
